The New(er) Testament: O Say Can You God?

The Book of Genesis

One day, God was bored and decided to create the universe. With a few simple mouse clicks and extensive usage of copy-pasting, God’s universe was completed very quickly. Sadly, God also created an alternate universe, which would be the fuel of material for many future television shows. But he quickly got bored of all the stars and planets and decided to pick one planet to inject his seed of life into. After a few sessions of coin flips and Eeny-meeny-miny-moe, God decided to pick the red planet, Mars, to house his upcoming creation. Fortunately for whoever is reading this, God got LOST and mistook Earth for Mars.

And so God stood on the desolate Earth and decided to fix the place up a bit. He gave lighting to Earth by means of the Sun being hooked up to a really long extension cord, and employed Mother Nature to do his bidding. With the necessities of life in place (light, water, porn), God decided to pick a dominant form of life to roam the lands. He narrowed the choices to two, but he had a hard time picking one out. “Shall it be man, or stall it be squirrels that would serve me?” God often asked himself. When he could no longer think, he decided to revert back to his trusty coin, and mankind was chosen.

Jose was the first of these men, but God didn’t like him because he was of Latino decent. His baseball and boxing skills would come handy one day, but God needed to show off his creation to his buddies with pride. He terminated Jose and created Adam the Jock. Oh yeah, Eve was made during this timeframe for some unexplained reason as well, thus: Eve and Adam.

So there was this paradise, and it was the home of Eve and Adam the Jock. They were like, told not to eat stuff off this mysterious tree, but an obviously innocent looking snake told them otherwise. This event started the awful tendency where men would listen to their snakes first, and brains last. Anywho, Eve and Adam ate fruits and sorts from the forbidden tree and God found out since he has five eyes. Eve and Adam got the boot and were kicked out of the awesome paradise.

One day Eve forgot to take her contraceptive pills. Pair this with Eve and Adam’s daily sex time, Eve bore babies. From the name Cain and Abel, you can tell right off the bat that they weren’t cute, but they were descendants nonetheless. It should be noted that there was a minor dispute, but the Maury Show quickly debunked any of Adam’s claim: “She a ho Maury! That baby look nothing like me!”

You can also tell that Cain and Abel had a great childhood. Cain grew up to become a farmer, and the other one became a shepherd. They both brought their finest crop/animal to God as an offering, but God pitied Cain for bringing him vegetables. “Ew,” said God. “I don’t want spinach! I want McDonalds!” Cain became jealous of Abel’s superior product so he killed him; apparently the best way to handle problems.

>___________>

um... o.o

...ok.

Haha! That's hilarious. -giggles- Got anymore???

Actually, it was kinda funny... and well written! Will there be more?

DJ. wrote:>___________>

Volosh wrote:um... o.o

MR.RPG wrote:...ok.

*Imitates Mr. Burns* "Excellent"

-Lexci- wrote:Haha! That's hilarious. -giggles- Got anymore???

BleachKing wrote:Actually, it was kinda funny... and well written! Will there be more?

Well, it wouldn't be fair to the bible if I didn't translate 100% of it now would it?

Cain, banished from the realm of God, decided to wander the earth. And while he signed a contact with the Travel Channel, Eve and Adam continued to make babies; condoms didn’t feel quite right. And since every one of Eve’s offspring was male, it really makes you wonder how exactly did they make more babies. Regardless, more females and males appeared and one of these guys was called Abram

Abram and his family flocked to the city of Haran, where his father, Terah, conveniently dies off for story simplification. God arrives later to tell the descendant of Eve and Adam to continue with their journey, for they have no place in Haran. If Abram finds the impoverish land of Cannan, God will grant him his own kingdom. Abram sold his condo and moved out of Haran to begin his search.

Abram eventually finds and settles in Cannan, but God seemed to have forgotten about his desolate hellhole. In the middle of a desert, Cannan was left to dry and a famine ensued. Smartly, Abram and his hot wife Sarai decide to march into the deep of the desert in search for Egypt’s unknown hospitality. Of course, when you’re seeking help from someone you don’t know, it is obviously sound to bring your hot wife along as well.

They met the Pharaoh and asked for food, but the Pharaoh knew that Abram was in no position to bargain. However, the Pharaoh took extreme notice of Abram’s hot wife, so he decided that Egypt will supply the Kingdom of Cannan with food if Abram defeated him in an ancient Egyptian card game. But if Abram lost, his wife would be confiscated.

“Dark magic attack!” ordered the Pharaoh. It seemed as if Abram’s remaining life points would diminish, but Abram the Wit had one last ace up his sleeve, literally. “It seems you have forgotten about my trap card,” said Abram. “I use the Magical Cylinder, directing your Dark Magician’s attack towards your own life points!” The Pharaoh’s attack backfired and Abram won the card game. Of course, the Pharaoh shrugged off the underwhelming defeat in a card game, and simply ordered for the execution of Abram and imprisonment of his hot wife.

Five minutes earlier, God’s alarm clock went off and God woke up. He was quite confused, since he knew he was suppose to do something many years ago but somehow forgot. “Holy crap!” God said. He looked down onto Cannan, and saw that it was crappier than ever. Eventually, God locates Abram and Sarai just as they were going to be executed/kidnapped. “Not on my watch!” said God. He brought plague upon the Egyptians and rescued the two out of there. “This is what happens when you enter bad neighborhoods,” lectured God. Abram and Sarai were returned to the Kingdom of Cannan and God gave them water and food that was many years due.

-laughs- This is funny stuff. = D

Bravo, this stuff is actually pretty funny.

I laughed when I saw the yu-gi-oh stuff put in there. XD

Nonetheless, true story.

pfft. That Pharaoh was a n00b, he should have used Blue eyes White Dragon!

Lol I posted this on a proper website and is getting the shite flamed out of me.....O People.

Reminds me of Mel Brooks' 'History of the World' . Love it!

Cranberry wrote:Lol I posted this on a proper website and is getting the shite flamed out of me.....O People.

LOL, link? I wanna see this!

The thread was deleted for the sake of the forums. The moderators never admitted that I've done anything wrong, but they decided to remove the thread because it was basically pages after pages of people accusing me of being a troll, spammer, flammer, sexist, racist, violator of the ToS, etc.

Funny stuff indeed! I don't get how anyone can be THAT serious about a silly take on a religion.

Fantastic. Kind of reminds me of Uncyclopedia's better stuff. Apart from the part about Jose,(which was my favorite part) it didn't even seem that offensive. Of course, I'm as easy to offend as a rock.