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Desertback- Posts : 465
Join date : 2009-11-14
Age : 31
Location : Arizona
La Cocaina - Living Fast
Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:00 pm
--This is my first fan fiction story so give some impute on how am I doing--
La Cocaina - Living Fast
Chapter 1 : Waking Up
Its a sunny day in Palmero Italy, the air smells of french roast and the sounds of Vespa scooters flying through traffic. The alarm clock goes off playing a song from a local Italian radio station playing pop music. Salvatore De Luca wakes up only felling pain and the cold chills of his body. Salvatore hits the alarm like a red headed step-child until he ripped the alarm out of the socket and throwing the alarm out of the window. Salvatore rubs his head while sitting on his bed side "What happen last night?" saying to himself. "I dont remember shit and why am I in so much pain?". Salvatore feels extreme pain on his side and tries to get off of the bed only to collapse on the floor. Salavatore lies on the cold floor feeling something unusual."What is this water?" Salvatore wipes his hand across the floor and looking closely only to see its blood and lots of it. Salvatore jumps off the floor and hitting his wall only to see the pain and the blood is from his wound. "Where did I get this?" Salvatore pokes his wound finding out its been stitched up. Salvatore looks puzzled and stares at the floor where the white carpet is now all black like nighttime with no moon. *Knock..Knock..Knock* is heard from the front door but Salvatore only looks but never moves as if he fallen into a trance.
La Cocaina - Living Fast
Chapter 1 : Waking Up
Its a sunny day in Palmero Italy, the air smells of french roast and the sounds of Vespa scooters flying through traffic. The alarm clock goes off playing a song from a local Italian radio station playing pop music. Salvatore De Luca wakes up only felling pain and the cold chills of his body. Salvatore hits the alarm like a red headed step-child until he ripped the alarm out of the socket and throwing the alarm out of the window. Salvatore rubs his head while sitting on his bed side "What happen last night?" saying to himself. "I dont remember shit and why am I in so much pain?". Salvatore feels extreme pain on his side and tries to get off of the bed only to collapse on the floor. Salavatore lies on the cold floor feeling something unusual."What is this water?" Salvatore wipes his hand across the floor and looking closely only to see its blood and lots of it. Salvatore jumps off the floor and hitting his wall only to see the pain and the blood is from his wound. "Where did I get this?" Salvatore pokes his wound finding out its been stitched up. Salvatore looks puzzled and stares at the floor where the white carpet is now all black like nighttime with no moon. *Knock..Knock..Knock* is heard from the front door but Salvatore only looks but never moves as if he fallen into a trance.
King CalamityModerator- Posts : 419
Join date : 2010-01-09
Age : 28
Location : Bergurath 3
Re: La Cocaina - Living Fast
Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:07 pm
"What happen last night?"
Have you ever heard of Zero Wing?
It seems promising, but there was the above grammar mistake, and not enough pronouns. When nobody else is there, you don't need to say Salvatore in every sentence.
The story itself, I can't exactly say except that I want to know what happens next.
- Desertback
- Posts : 465
Join date : 2009-11-14
Age : 31
Location : Arizona
Re: La Cocaina - Living Fast
Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:50 pm
Chapter 2 : Speed Dealing
The Night Before
Salvatore is sitting at the pier looking at the full moon where the air is cold and cigarette smoke reflect off of the Palmero's waters.
A man starts walking up to the pier wearing a black suit with a pink tie wearing all gold from one hand to the next and the shoes shinning to the moon light as if there were made out of diamonds
Salvatore stands up throwing his cigarette into the calm ocean shores hearing a slight hissing sound from it
Salvatore "Welcome Mr...."
The mystery man goes through his jacket "Just call me Mr. Palmero and I dont want to hear your name"
Salvatore "Yes Mr. Palmero" he leans in forward to shake Palmero's hand only to get denied
Palmero "I dont know what the fuck you are thinking about because I am not here to fucking date you but to see what kind of coke you got so stop being formal and skip to the important shit which is making enough lines that me and my partners can enjoy"
He grabs a stack of cash from his jacket and grinds his thumb through the money making the sounds of it
Salvatore "Sorry sometimes I forgot some people are just here to get there nose all white and make their heads spin"
He goes closer to the piers edge and starts swiping his hand in the water making small waves and pulls a bag off of the piers side.
Palmero "Why thanks asshole not let me see it before I change my mind"
Salvatore throws the bag to Palmero and starts walking towards him
Palmero starts laughing "Do you know people who sell on my territory end up on the floor"
*Bang*
Salvatore hits the ground and watches Palmero coming closer and closer
Palmero "Dont move or you will die faster"
He pulls a cigar from his pocket and starts to light it
"Dont fuck with the Cappelo's you rat"
Salvatore looks at Palmero seeing the sky turning red and the eyes of Palmero become pitch black
"Enjoy your last minutes because no one will help you since you are alone"
Palmero throws the cigar but at Salvatore's neck making a small burn mark on it and starts to walk off
Salvatore starts to move to the side of the water and staring at the moons reflection on the water
"Father please forgive me" quietly he says
He lifts his head to the sky slowly and starts to see a blinding white light
that blocks the view of the sky and the water
He hears the waves hitting the pier and finally blacks out
The Night Before
Salvatore is sitting at the pier looking at the full moon where the air is cold and cigarette smoke reflect off of the Palmero's waters.
A man starts walking up to the pier wearing a black suit with a pink tie wearing all gold from one hand to the next and the shoes shinning to the moon light as if there were made out of diamonds
Salvatore stands up throwing his cigarette into the calm ocean shores hearing a slight hissing sound from it
Salvatore "Welcome Mr...."
The mystery man goes through his jacket "Just call me Mr. Palmero and I dont want to hear your name"
Salvatore "Yes Mr. Palmero" he leans in forward to shake Palmero's hand only to get denied
Palmero "I dont know what the fuck you are thinking about because I am not here to fucking date you but to see what kind of coke you got so stop being formal and skip to the important shit which is making enough lines that me and my partners can enjoy"
He grabs a stack of cash from his jacket and grinds his thumb through the money making the sounds of it
Salvatore "Sorry sometimes I forgot some people are just here to get there nose all white and make their heads spin"
He goes closer to the piers edge and starts swiping his hand in the water making small waves and pulls a bag off of the piers side.
Palmero "Why thanks asshole not let me see it before I change my mind"
Salvatore throws the bag to Palmero and starts walking towards him
Palmero starts laughing "Do you know people who sell on my territory end up on the floor"
*Bang*
Salvatore hits the ground and watches Palmero coming closer and closer
Palmero "Dont move or you will die faster"
He pulls a cigar from his pocket and starts to light it
"Dont fuck with the Cappelo's you rat"
Salvatore looks at Palmero seeing the sky turning red and the eyes of Palmero become pitch black
"Enjoy your last minutes because no one will help you since you are alone"
Palmero throws the cigar but at Salvatore's neck making a small burn mark on it and starts to walk off
Salvatore starts to move to the side of the water and staring at the moons reflection on the water
"Father please forgive me" quietly he says
He lifts his head to the sky slowly and starts to see a blinding white light
that blocks the view of the sky and the water
He hears the waves hitting the pier and finally blacks out
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