The Expedition

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The Expedition

Post by King Calamity on Sat Jan 23, 2010 9:35 pm

Something I wrote about a fantasy world I made up. It's kind of a short story. This isn't the whole thing, but I don't expect it to be a whole lot longer. Any criticism is good, since I haven't written much before this.


The Expedition

“Alright, almost time to set out,” Captain Montoya said, “I trust you're all ready. Fontaine?”

“Ready, captain.” James said, having just finished preparing. He wore a steel breastplate over leather armor, with a standard bastard sword at his side and a carbine on his back. His blonde hair hung back in a ponytail. James Fontaine was second in command of this company.

“Good,” Montoya replied, “Artemis?”

“Ready, sir.” said the elf. Leon Artemis was an Apartian, with characteristic short, black, curled hair and bronzed skin. He wore a bronze breastplate over a white toga. At his left side was a gladius, and on his right, a sling. On his back was a large round shield. Though he was deadly with these weapons, the reason Artemis was on this expedition was his medical expertise.

“Good,” Montoya repeated, “Halford?”

“Ready and able!” sounded the dwarf. William Halford was a brute, his brown hair and beard hanging down haphazardly. The Gilfornian was decked in plate armor, a short sword and a mace at his side and a battle axe on his back.

“Alright,” the captain responded, “Willheim?”

“As I'll ever be.” a second dwarf said. This dwarf, though equally stout as his counterpart, was not so muscular. Adrian Willheim was clean in appearance, wearing spectacles, a robe, and his greying beard in a braid. His only armament was a small pistol. Adrian was a wizard, and did not usually bother with weapons.

“Very good,” the captain said, “and finally, Arkhan?”

The mysterious man in black simply nodded. His features were completely obscured by his hood, scarf, and black robe. He carried a flamberge on his back and two short swords at his waist. Despite his air of secrecy, Captain Montoya trusted him, and that was enough for the other members of the group.

“Then that makes all of us,” Montoya said, strapping his flintlock pistol. He was a very well decorated soldier, a war hero, and a known scholar. In other words, Albert Montoya was one of the most famous men in the Brocan Legion. He wore a steel breastplate, greaves and pauldrons over leather armor. He wore a purple cloak which, with his dark hair and well groomed moustache, gave him a very regal look. Apart from his pistol, his only weapon was a finely crafted sabre.

“Now, let's go over the mission one more time,” he began, “we are to enter the island of Fyrkraug, and explore the ruins that have been observed on said island, and do all we can to make peace with any inhabitants we can find. If we find none, we are to take any artefacts of apparent importance for study, and learn what we can about who used to be here.” Montoya opened the cabin door and they stepped onto the deck of their ship.

James stepped onto the beach after his captain. The island was truly beautiful, from the glittering sand of the beach to the lush leaves of the trees. The ruins were visible from the beach, and they complimented the picture very nicely, adorned with jewels and constructed of fine stone.

“Let's set out, then,” Montoya said as he stepped forward, and the rest of the group followed. They made their way through the dazzling scene, so far encountering no residents.

Despite the apparent serenity, James found the place strangely disturbing. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something just not right about this place, he thought to himself.

Suddenly, two shadowy, humanoid figures appeared in the distance, advancing toward the team. Captain Montoya turned to his men. “Fontaine, Artemis,” he said in a hushed tone, “get behind those bushes and ready your rifle and sling. If this pair turns out docile, reveal yourselves. If they are hostile, I'm sure you know what to do.”

James heeded the captain's order, following Leon to the designated bushes. They readied their weapons and watched. As the figures advanced, their features became apparent. They were large, human in appearance, save for their pale blue skin. One carried a double-pointed spear, and the other two hand scythes.

James pointed his carbine at them, ready to attack should they be hostile. Soon, he began to notice many more shadowed men in the distance. They were surrounded. James prayed with all he had that they wouldn't attack, and was almost certain they would.

Montoya stepped toward the men fearlessly. “Good day,” he said, “I bring greetings from the Legion of Brocas.”
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Re: The Expedition

Post by Chef on Sun Jan 24, 2010 2:12 am

Nice story. I look forward to more especially since you left us on a cliffhanger! I also like how you have flintlocks, as I am a fan of that kind of weaponry. Also, It seems like most of the characters I can guess where their names came from.

I'm not sure if this is intentional, but is the Brocas Legion based off of Brocas Helm? (I assume that you know the metal band I am talking about.)
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Re: The Expedition

Post by King Calamity on Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:20 pm

Yeah, I couldn't come up with a name. Eventually, I decided to name it after a metal band, at first thinking Mastodon, then I decided Brocas Helm.

And like I told you, the fact that both our characters are named James (Bioshock character) is a freaky coincidence.

I'm also glad you mention the cliffhanger, because I was afraid I didn't build enough tension. I think the reason why is because it isn't very long.
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Re: The Expedition

Post by Chef on Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:24 pm

It's decently long, but length doesn't really matter. It has to have depth and has to be interesting. You don't want to add meaningless fillers in to extend the length and bore the reader. Just keep that in mind.
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